The Feedback Shift

Moving from Judgment to Curiosity

by Abbey Johnston | October 21, 2025

Last month on the blog, Greg talked about “The Story I Make Up” – how our brains are constantly creating narratives to make sense of the world around us. It is so easy to fill in the gaps about other people’s actions: maybe a colleague missed a deadline, showed up late to a meeting, or sent a string of late-night emails. Our minds quickly start telling us stories: “They’re being inconsiderate,” “They don’t care about the team,” or “They just have a bad attitude.”

Here’s the thing: none of that is necessarily true. What we can know for certain are the observable behaviors, the facts we could literally “capture with a camera.” The rest? That’s our story, our interpretation. And while it can feel completely justified, it’s not something we can hold someone accountable for.

The challenge, and the opportunity, comes when we take that same awareness and apply it to giving feedback. Instead of reacting to the story, we can focus on what’s real, observable, and actionable, creating feedback that lands, shapes behavior, and actually helps people grow. 

Ineffective vs. Effective Feedback

Feedback doesn’t always land. Common pitfalls include vague, untimely, reactive, or episodic feedback.

Effective feedback, on the other hand, is:

• Clear and Specific: Focus on observable behaviors, not stories.
• Timely: Delivered close to the event or behavior.
• Respectful and Empathetic: Invites dialogue, doesn’t attack character.
• Ongoing: Not just a one-off conversation, but part of a culture of communication.

The #1 feedback pitfall? Blurry language. Words like “timely,” “unprofessional,” or “disengaged” don’t land. Specificity is what makes feedback actionable.

That’s where the “fact vs. story” approach comes in. By separating observable behaviors from the stories we tell ourselves, we can turn vague feedback into clear, constructive conversations. The next steps give you a simple framework to do just that- making feedback specific, actionable, and ultimately kind.

Step 1: Separate Fact from Story

Start by noticing what actually happened. Ask yourself:

• • What specifically did the person say or do?
  • What behaviors am I observing?
  • Could a camera capture this moment?

For example: instead of thinking, “You’re always inconsiderate with deadlines,” you might notice:

• • “On the last two project deadlines, the reports were submitted 24–48 hours late.”
  • “Over the past two weeks – you’ve been sending work emails after 9 pm.”

These are facts. They’re observable. They’re something you can discuss without judgment.

Step 2: Understand the Impact

Once you have the behavior, consider the impact. How did it affect you, the team, or the project?

• • “Because the reports were late, the team couldn’t finalize the presentation for the client on time.”
  • “When emails come in late at night, it creates stress around response expectations and makes it hard to disconnect.”

The point of feedback is to shape behavior—both what’s working and what needs improvement. Often, we assume the other person already understands the impact of their actions. They usually don’t. Naming it clearly is part of being kind and effective.

Step 3: Ask a Question

The last piece of effective feedback is inviting the other person into the conversation. Open-ended questions create curiosity rather than defensiveness:

• • “Can you help me understand what happened with the last two deadlines?”
  • “What’s going on that leads to sending emails late at night?”
  • “How can we solve this together so we get back on track?”

This step is crucial. Feedback isn’t about winning or proving we’re right; it’s about solving a problem together.

Bringing It All Together: BIQ

We like to use the BIQ framework [Behavior, Impact, Question] as a simple, practical guide:

1. 1. Behavior: Name what you observed. “You came to the last two meetings 30 minutes late.”
   2. Impact: Describe the effect. “I started making up a story that you weren’t engaged, and it delayed our discussion points.”
   3. Question: Invite dialogue. “Can you help me understand why this happened?”

Kindness in feedback isn’t niceness, it’s transformative. By focusing on observable behaviors, clarifying the impact, and asking thoughtful questions, we can use feedback as a tool to improve relationships, build trust, and strengthen teams.

Next time you notice a “story” forming in your mind about someone else, pause. Identify the facts, clarify the impact, and ask a question. You’ll be surprised how much more constructive, open, and connected your conversations can become.

Coffee or Cocktails on us! 

If you’d like to see more tools like this in your organization—ways to build connection, reduce misunderstandings, and create space for real leadership—let’s connect! Fill out our Contact Form and we’ll get a discovery call scheduled. Hopefully in person with your favorite beverage involved.