The Confidence Myth

Why confidence isn’t something you’re born with, but something you build

by Abbey Johnston | April 2026

For a lot of my life, confidence felt like something other people had.

Growing up, I didn’t think of myself as a confident person at all. I was incredibly self-conscious. I assumed people were paying attention to everything I did – noticing my mistakes, judging what I said, seeing every awkward moment. Because of that, I spent a lot of time trying to stay small and not get it wrong.

Meanwhile, I’d look around and see people who seemed naturally confident. They spoke up easily, shared their ideas, and walked into rooms like they belonged there. It felt like they had something I didn’t – like confidence was just part of their personality. For a long time, I believed that story.

But over the years, I’ve come to understand something important: confidence isn’t a personality trait. It’s not something you either have or don’t have, and it’s definitely not set in stone. Confidence is something that can grow. It can evolve, sometimes slowly and sometimes in really small increments, but it can grow.

That realization changes everything.

Somewhere along the way, many of us picked up a quiet equation that runs in the background of our lives:

If I’m perfect, then I can be confident. 

If I say the right thing…
If I don’t mess up…
If I have everything figured out…

then I can show up boldly.

As a recovering perfectionist, I’ve tested that theory. It doesn’t work.

Confidence isn’t about getting everything right or feeling completely ready before you act. It’s about believing you can handle what happens. Not just the good outcomes, but the hard ones too – the awkward moments, the mistakes, and the times things don’t go the way you hoped.

Confidence is the belief that even if those things happen, you’ll still be okay.

That word belief matters, because belief is something we choose. It’s something we practice holding onto, even when it doesn’t fully feel true yet. And sometimes what we call rejection is really just selection. If none of us had experienced rejection along the way, we probably wouldn’t be where we are today doing the work we’re doing.

Confidence is a muscle.

These days, I think about confidence like a muscle. It’s something we all have, whether we realize it or not. Muscles grow through reps.

Reps don’t magically happen. We do them intentionally. And most of the time, they come with tension. I wish confidence could grow in sheer delight and euphoria, but usually it grows when we step into something uncomfortable. When we risk failure. When rejection is possible.

That’s when we’re actually building the muscle.

So let’s talk about putting in our reps through what we are communicating via our body. Communication isn’t just about the words we say. Much of what people perceive comes from how we say things and what our bodies are doing while we say them.

We listen most deeply with our eyeballs. Our brains are constantly scanning for cues. When we look at someone and think, they seem confident, we’re often noticing posture, eye contact, body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice.  We’re noticing macro and micro expressions.

What’s fascinating is that our brains are also scanning our own bodies. If you’re having a terrible day but you hold a genuine smile for a moment, your brain notices. Your body sends signals back to your mind. Which means sometimes confidence doesn’t start with a feeling; it starts with behavior. With posture. With eye contact. With how you use your voice. We don’t always get to control the feeling first, but we can practice the behavior. Over time, the belief begins to catch up.

Here are three simple places to start: 

1. Voice

When we’re nervous, our voice often speeds up or drifts off or upward at the end of a sentence. Practice slowing down and finishing your thoughts with intention. A steady pace and clear ending to your sentences can instantly signal confidence to others and to yourself.

2. Eye Contact

Eye contact is one of the clearest signals of presence. You don’t need to stare someone down, just practice holding someone’s gaze for a few seconds when you’re speaking or listening. Hold a gaze long enough to notice someone’s eye color.  It communicates engagement and confidence. 

3. Posture

When we feel uncertain, we tend to shrink. Try the opposite: sit or stand tall, roll your shoulders back, and keep your chest open. These small physical shifts send a powerful signal to your brain that says, “I’ve got this.”

“You don’t have confidence. You do confidence.”
-Derek Hough

Confidence isn’t reserved for a select few. It’s not about having the perfect personality or never feeling nervous. It’s about believing you can handle what happens, stepping into the stretch, and putting in the reps. Because in the end, confidence isn’t something you have. It’s something you do.

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