Terrible Poker Players Make the Best Team Players

How Honest Conversations Can Unlock Innovation, Trust, and Deeper Connections

by Greg Mutch | April 2025

My inspiration is Phil Dunphy from Modern Family. In an episode we watched last night, Phil was trying to fire his brother-in-law Mitch (lawyer), and every time he tried to have a direct, challenging conversation, he began blinking his eyes uncontrollably. His “poker tell” was not just funny but painfully obvious to everyone and, thus, took the guesswork out of it.

One of the things holding our teams and organizations back is what’s not happening. When team members withhold rather than reveal, we are missing out on perspectives, information, contributions, and so much more. Our decision-making suffers, our innovation lags, and alignment and trust erode.

On the contrary, when team members practice speaking candidly and reveal their thoughts, emotions, ideas, perspectives, questions, and so on, we get the culture, communication, connection, and results that drive both engagement and success.

Candor vs. Withholding

Let’s circle back to one of our favorite models learned from The Conscious Leadership Group. In the 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership, one of the key principles is practicing Candor versus Withholding. Short animated video here.

Let’s start by defining the terms: 

Candor is not “just saying it like it is.” Rather, the heart of candor lies at the intersection of truthfulness, awareness, and openness. 

 

Withholding isn’t merely keeping secrets and hiding things on purpose. Instead, it’s often an unconscious or out of our awareness “refraining from expressing all of the relevant information to relevant parties.” 

Calibrating with definitions can be helpful, but the powerful part is exploring WHY we withhold. What keeps us from expressing and sharing more candidly? What impedes our ability to be more open and honest?

The stories we make up 

It’s all about the stories we make up. Those little internal narratives that hold us back cause us to second-guess ourselves and stifle what could lead to greater alignment, deeper trust, and more creative and effective decisions or solutions. However, if we can spot those stories when they are operating beneath the surface, we can tune in to what’s needed in the moment. Explore this more in one of our recent webinars!

By getting off of autopilot, we can shift to awareness and what’s needed in the moment. Can you spot any of these “stories” keeping you from practicing candor?

• • • I will hurt someone’s feelings
    • This will make it worse
    • I’m making this a bigger deal than it is
    • It will take too long
    • It’s not worth it
    • They won’t respond well
    • [drop one we are missing into the comments]

One exercise we have groups do is to re-write these “stories” in a way that is possibly more true and accurate. Take for example – it will take too long – sure, there is a way in which adding our thoughts and opinions or concerns into a collaborative conversation might make that conversation longer (and let’s be honest, at the pace we are keeping, we DO want our meetings to be over sooner not later). However, it is also possibly true that withholding those things might create more problems or challenges down the road that take even more time (and frustration). And, so, what might be true is that speaking candidly and revealing might save us time or allow for a better solution or decision where the ROI on that additional time is well worth it. 

How to invite candor from your team

So, you might be thinking that all sounds great, I want a culture of candor at my org but how do I get my team to open up? 

1. Go first: be vulnerable, share a challenge you are facing and that you aren’t quite sure what the answer is yet. 
2. Ask questions: when you expect that a team member might be withholding, ask them directly: “I want to check and see if there is anything else we need to talk about? Anything else you might be withholding?” 
3. Celebrate candor: when a team member does share (especially when it might be challenging or vulnerable), make sure to thank and acknowledge them in front of other teammates. 

What is possible when you do 

When we can limit the impact of the “stories” that have us withholding and embrace candor, three things become much more possible:

1. Our individual energy, engagement, and contribution can be higher
2. We maximize relational connection through better conversations, deeper understanding, and increased trust. 
3. It greatly increases our ability to see things as a team more clearly and work together more effectively. Who wouldn’t want that day in and day out?

Try this commitment on for size for a week or two. Jot it down on a post it note and take it with you to meetings and conversations of all kinds. Are you and others practicing candor?

I commit to saying what is true for me. I commit to being a person to whom others can express themselves with candor.

As we each commit to showing up fully in our conversations and relationships, we unlock both our personal potential and the collective power of our teams. By embracing candor, you can transform team dynamics, drive smarter decision-making, and even deepen personal connections beyond the workplace.