We All Think We’re Good Listeners (We’re Probably Not)

Why better listening might be the leadership superpower you’re overlooking

Here at AGC we use Gallup’s Strengths assessment in a lot of work we do. One of my top 5 strengths is communication (which will surprise absolutely no one in my life, including every teacher I had throughout my educational experience). One of the headline’s of this strength is, “You are good at capturing people’s attention by what you say and how you say it.” TLDR: Girl, you can talk!

And one of the first things I notice when I joined AG Collaborative was, “Holy sh*t, these people can listen!” They validate your perspective, stay curious and ask great questions, and reflect back headlines of what they heard. When it’s happening you’re like, “What the heck is happening right now?”

It might be useful to let you know right out of the gate that most people think they’re good listeners – 96% of people, in fact. But when others rate our listening? Only 1 in 4 actually makes the cut. That means, chances are, you either know you’re not great at this or you think you are and… you’re not. No shame in this game though because, as the data shows, you’re in good company!

Listening is Hard

And it’s not because most people don’t want to listen. It’s because listening is hard. According to Kate Murphy, author of You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters,

“You can get a doctorate in speech communication and join clubs like Toastmasters to perfect your public speaking, but there’s no comparable degree or training that emphasizes and encourages the practice of listening.”

Another fun fact? The three-volume, 2,048-page International Encyclopedia of Interpersonal Communication has one entry specific to listening.

You likely don’t even need these facts to bring this point home. If you ask anyone to name the people in their lives that genuinely and truly listen, I bet the average person can only name 1-2 people (unless you work at AGC, in which case your data is skewed!).

We are taught to read and write and communicate our ideas out, but most of us have never been taught the skill of listening (and it is a skill!). It takes energy, presence, and restraint- three things in short supply when we’re moving fast, feeling pressure, or trying to fix.

What’s possible if we listen better? 

Almost all of the experiences we offer at AGC have some element of how to become a better listener, and for good reason.  In a study of over 3,400 leaders, leadership development experts Jack Zenger and Joseph Folkman found that the leaders who were rated as the most effective listeners were also better at building trust, more likely to inspire and motivate others, and stronger at developing their people. And here’s the kicker: people didn’t define a “good listener” as someone who just stayed quiet—they valued leaders who asked thoughtful questions, made space for others to speak, and showed they were actively engaged.

Listening to understand, really understand, requires us to quiet the inner voice that wants to jump in, prove a point, or steer the conversation. For sure, it’s a little riskier to put yourself in the position of listener, because you open yourself up to what you’ll hear. But when we don’t listen well, things get missed. Tension builds. People repeat themselves. Trust erodes.

On the flip side? When people feel heard, they show up more fully, more openly, and more willing to collaborate.

So now that we are in agreement that:

a) listening is important (and hard) and
b) most people have never been taught how to listen…

let’s dive into how we can sharpen our ability to listen.

 

How to Sharpen Your Listening Skills 

I want to be honest, I’m not going to be able to teach you how to be a perfect listener through this blog (but we’re already better than the International Encyclopedia of Interpersonal Communication!) But I am going to give you two things to start to think about as you work to become a better listener (trust me, these two will keep you busy for a while!).

#1 Self-Awareness

One of the things that can be useful here is to begin to recognize what you do instead of listening.  Elena Aguilar, author of several books on coaching, offers “listening journeys” as one tool of reflection that can be useful. Isn’t that such a cute little way to say, “Hey, I’m human and sometimes my mind takes a little journey when I should be listening!”?

These “journeys” range from things you’d assume (disagreeing, spacing out) to things that come with good intentions (connecting, fixing) to deeper things (being uncomfortable, planning an exit). Chances are, if you’re human, you’ve done all of these… likely in one day!

It’s also likely that you do some of these more often than others because of who you uniquely are and how you move through the world. I myself love to connect (damn, that communication strength!) and my tendency is to jump in and fix!

Neither of those are inherently “bad”, but if my intention is to really listen, and to better understand the person sitting across from me, these listening journeys can prevent that from happening.


Practical Tips

  • Reflect: It can be useful to think about these common journeys and which ones you most frequently take. When and with whom do they show up most regularly? What does that reveal to you about yourself?
  • Be Human: You’re allowed to tell people around you when you take a little journey! “Oops, I just found myself thinking about how I wanted to respond! Can we pause and you share that last part again?” or “I find myself wanting to offer advice.. Is that what you want right now or do you want me to listen right now?”


#2 Stay Curious

Here’s a really big challenge of listening – staying curious. And we’re up to a pretty big challenge – the people we have the hardest time being curious with are the people we know best and spend the most time with (partners, friends… co-workers!). Once we have a connection with someone and a robust set of experiences, interactions, and conversations, our brain executes one of its many biases for efficiency (in this case, the closeness communication bias). Our inner monologue sounds something like, “I already know what they’re going to say or how they think or how they operate.” We’re unlikely to generate a set of questions to better understand if we can’t catch this bias!

David Bradford and Carole Robin, authors of “Connect: Building Exceptional Relationships with Family, Friends and Colleagues” suggest “being naive in the best sense of the word.” They highlight this curiosity spectrum, which can be another little self-check about where you’re at before you enter a conversation. 

When we’re convinced we already know what someone is going to say or how they think, we enter a conversation with a pretty specific energy. We tend to be more likely to listen to respond, less likely to ask questions, and, just on a practical level, why would we ask a question if we think we already know?

If we can recognize where we are on this spectrum, we’re more likely to be able to find our way back to authentic curiosity. When we’re in this (very intentional) mindset, we’re open to new ways of thinking, open to being wrong, genuinely seek to better understand, and ultimately build authentic connections. Not to mention, when we’re in an energy of authentic curiosity, some of the listening skills that can be difficult (asking great questions, actively listening for what is and isn’t being said, validating) become a lot more natural. We’re thinking less about our own perspective and more about the person across from us.

 

Practical Tips

  • Intention/Pause: Before entering an important conversation, figure out where you are on the curiosity spectrum. What do you think you already know? How can you shift to a more authentically curious mindset?
  • Good Questions: For most of us, great questions don’t appear out of thin air. There’s an art to good questions (hint: they’re open ended) and there’s an openness to receiving the response (hint: we have to believe we don’t yet know the answer). Before an important conversation, can you come up with 2-3 questions that might help you better understand the person sitting across from you? You’re not cheating — you’re being thoughtful and intentional. 

Go Ahead: Build that Muscle 

Here’s the good news- listening isn’t a fixed trait. It’s a skill – a muscle we can strengthen with intention and practice. Each time we slow down, catch ourselves on a listening journey, get curious, or ask a question, we’re building that muscle. And while we might not get it right every time, the effort itself makes a difference. Now excuse me while I go take my new listening skills back to the AGC team!

(Wait a minute… now that I think about it.. why did they assign me this blog topic….)

Let’s Listen Better

Like I said earlier, listening is woven into nearly everything we do at AG Collaborative — and it’s one of the top things leaders ask for more of. So here’s a little sneak peek just for you: we’re launching a brand-new series of programs designed to strengthen communication across organizations. One of them is focused entirely on the art of listening. It’s interactive, practical, and built to stick — so the impact lasts long after the session ends.

Want the inside scoop when it launches? Make sure you are subscribed to our newsletter!